It’s been 2 years since I’ve done any real travel, thanks COVID. Plus being based in Western Australia has also meant that at even the slightest mention of COVID, borders snap shut, masks hit faces and Jeff Bezos makes like twice as much money.. all because Dave from Armadale licked a guard rail for a bet and tested positive. Yep Dave’s a dickhead, (but at least he’s vaccinated) and while Dave nurses a sore throat and regrets his decisions, the whole of Western Australia sends imaginary bricks through his window. But now ,finally after 2 years of being stuck in WA, buying camping gear to try and scratch that travel itch, selling the camping gear you never even used, marveling at how a car can appreciate in value then starting and quitting 3 new hobbies, I’m on a plane again!
Granted it’s a work trip and I’m in Sydney for less hours than it takes to watch the Director’s cut for the Lord of the Rings. Still. I’m on a plane again and borders are open. With travel back on the menu and with my feet leaving the ground for the first time in years, I’m thinking about where to go next but also remembering all the things I really don’t enjoy about air travel (yet still missed when I couldn’t fly). Still as much as I love travelling; for me, when it comes to flying, it’s never about the journey, it’s all about the destination. – Just a note here, there are plenty of industries that are remerging now, not just airlines and resorts, but also things like travel insurance companies like Safety Wing, travel agents and I really encourage everyone to use these again. Let’s make the ‘new normal’ more like the ‘old normal’.
All the things I forgot I hated about flying (but still missed)
Waiting to board
Since I was young I had it drilled into me to get to the airport early and as such, to this day (touch wood), I have never missed a flight. Aside from that time in Taiwan when the airport flooded and everyone missed their flights.. for like 2 days. The flip side of getting to the airport early is the fact that I spend probably more time than is strictly needed sitting in those airport chairs that are designed to be uncomfortable, waiting for the flight to open. Sometimes I write during this time, sometimes I think about writing while looking around at the other passengers, putting backstories to faces. That dude with the long beard.. 100% brews his own mead. The lady with the pink sweater and matching LV bag: Bet she knows a thing or two about complaining at a restaurant.. and so on. After 60 minutes of doing that.. not only do I know my fellow passengers fairly well but I’m generally regretting arriving so early at the stupid airport in the first place. Still, I’ve never missed a flight so I guess that’s worked out.
Finding your seat
I’m travelling alone, which means I’m essentially that last bit of luggage the always turns up when you’ve already packed the car and so gets squeezed into a space that’s sort of but never quite big enough. Seat 37 C, ok cool that’s middle row, 1 seat in from the end. Cool c’ c’ c’ c’ c’ cool. As long as I’m not the egg salad squeezed into the sweaty man-wich of the two burly guys I saw in the waiting area, I’m cool with it. The other dreaded option is kids. The only people who like kids on a plane are the parents (and even then.. I’m really not so sure). I once had a kid spend the entire flight from Malta to Frankfurt trying to play my feet like a drum set. So. Much. Fun.
Overhead luggage storage
I used to be chill when boarding planes. I used to be that guy who stayed sitting down in the lounge and waited for everyone all the other idiots to get in line to board the plan first, then jumped in the end when all the really eager people were on the plane. The problem with this strategy is that by the time you get on the plan, all the overhead luggage storage is taken and your bag ends up like 30m away from you which makes forgetting to take out your headphones really annoying, not to mention the fact that when it’s time to exit, you have to wait for everyone behind you to go before you can go back and get your bag. It’s straight up shit. Especially after an X hour long flight where all you want to do is stand up and not be sitting on your arse waiting for everyone, again. New strategy: as soon as they call the plane for boarding.. im there, front of the line no matter what seat I’m in, I just pretend it’s in the group that got called and 80% of the time they still let you on. #winning.
Flying
I’ve spoken before about how much I enjoy flying. It’s no trade secret that like 40% of other people, I like it about as much as I’d like to enter an Eastern European slapping contest (seriously, check these mad bastards out). Don’t get me wrong, love travel.. but I hate flying. Did I mention I hate flying? Floating in a tin can, propelled by a (hopefully) unending explosion wrestling with Jim-Bob for the armrest and trying not to discus throw the kid in front of me’s ipad down the plan cause he can’t (or his god damn parents can’t) turn off the sound on Candy crush.. Flying is a shit way to travel, but a necessary one. Also special mention to those people who give just zero fucks about the soft porn they’re ‘accidentally’ playing on the screen in front of them for all of row’s 37 to 45 to enjoy along with them. Mate don’t get me wrong I like watching Daphne Bridgerton taking a roll in the barn as much as the next bloke but time and place sir.. time and place! – Of course there’s always the delicious possibility that the guy somehow missed that the show is the modern equivalent of a Mills & Boon novel. On that note, can I just say a thing or two about Fifty Shades of Grey. Remember when that book somehow convinced everyone that it was acceptable to read your porn in public just cause everyone else was? More than one train stop was missed because of that book and its reader’s inability to stand up. Anyway flying sucks.
Turbulence
Everyone’s least favorite thing about flying. That feeling of the sudden drop when your guts try to charge up through your mouth and your hands start to sweat. It’s really the only hard reminder we get that you’ve like 38,000 feet above the earth and if it weren’t for the ‘just right shaped’ bit of metal and the explosions making the you go, Mr Newton could have told us what would happen. Fortunately, for those in planes, a fall’s never hurt anyone (it’s of course the sudden stop that’s more worrying). Most turbulence is not only nothing to worry about but doesn’t actually affect the altitude of the plane as much as our guts says it does. We’ve all had those drops ‘where we fell for like 15 seconds and everyone freaked out’. Most of the time planes drop less than 20 feet. Still, it feels more like 500 and that’s the story I’m sticking stick with dammit! Also please someone hurry up and invent teleportation. Flying can go drive itself out to a field, take of it’s shoes, find a giant pile of rocks and just start kicking them.
Landing
You’ve made it out of the sky, bounced your way down towards the ground, only shat yourself twice during the 10 (100) foot fall the plane experienced, then endured the ‘hilarious’ people who clap whenever a plane lands. – Why do they do this?! Driving’s far more dangerous than flying (again, get travel insurance!), so do the same people give their Uber driver a standing ovation when Jeremy T in a grey Toyota Camry (4.79 stars) drops them at the restaurant for dinner? Anyway, you’ve made it to the ground, been hit in the leg by the obligatory phone who’s owner forgot that planes need to stop moving when they land and left it on his chair, and now the airport is full apparently. As in like completely full, too many planes, too few gates and now you get to wait for 30 mins for another plane to piss off out the way before you can take off your seatbelt (I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason for this but it is pretty annoying).
Baggage claim
So you made the mistake of checking a bag in hey? Unless it unavoidable, never check in a bag, that’s a straight up rookie mistake. If the airline somehow hasn’t lost your bag, you then get to wait for even longer for the stupid things to get man handled off the plane and make their way to those conveyer belts where there’s always at least one of ‘those guys’ who need to be right at the front of the baggage claim, you know the types. If there’s any justice in the world their bags would be the last ones off the plane. In fact, I’d heartily support some kind of facial recognition system that pairs a passenger’s bag with them, just so these dickheads bags could be held back deliberately until they’re a sufficient degree of crimson in the face. Did I mention that I work in Customer Experience? Anyway once you’ve got your bag (and your elbows out) it’s time for the final hurdle of the whole experience, the taxi line.
The Taxi line
You’re so close now… you can smell that fragranced hotel reception air / taste the ‘free drink on arrival’ / feel the awkward embrace of your long lost aunty etc.. one last pain the arse to go. The taxi line! These now go one of two ways so please choose your own adventure below:
- You still use taxis: Congratulations (but also WHY?!) you’re probably in the minority these days. Not only are they more expensive and use older vehicles but despite the fact the drivers apparently do it for a living most of them still seem to have no idea where to go (except in London.. you guys are just insane to remember ‘The Knowledge’ – Pete removes imaginary hat and bows). Two things happen when you get into a taxi, firstly 80% of the time someone has shouted at you, sometimes it’s the driver, sometimes it’s that guy in hi-vis with the yellow sticks who’s only job it is to pair you with a car, yet still manages to somehow fuck it up like all of the time. Ok so you’re in the car and are experiencing two nostrils full of the mystifying aroma that is either BO or someone’s been cooking onions. Then the fair starts and as usual it’s at some weird number that’s always higher than the flag fall, then seems to beep it’s way upwards at intervals that make no sense to literally anybody. This concludes when you finally arrive at your destination only to find that the machine has beeped the fair to almost double wat is just was with no explanation or reason as to why the final 2 meters of the ride are at such a premium. Paying by card? Well you’ve now pushed your probability of being yelled at by the driver to close to 100%. Welcome to taxi’s.. and they wonder why people use Ubers.
- You use a ride sharing app: While on the whole, as a service, I’ll take an Uber, Ola, Didi, Lyft etc.. over a taxi any day (see above), they’re not without their own quirks. The particular favorite of mine are the ‘Uber stand offs’ you get into when driver accepts your ride then decides they don’t want it anymore and it becomes a battle of wills as to who cancels first and cops the cancellation fee. I’ve enjoyed many of these and am happy to say have yet to lose. The best strategy here is if you have the option of a second phone (for work for example) or multiple apps or if you’re travelling with someone else who can book the ride then do that and while you’re already in another vehicle and on your way, you’re still fighting the good fight against your first driver. First to quit loses. The other joy of using a ride share service is when a driver uses multiple platforms and accepts jobs from both at once.. well done. I had this happen once at Melbourne airport where I found someone getting into my Uber, turned out the guy stealing my Uber was getting into his Didi, fair and square. Right, ok well played. Zero stars.
So there you go, all the things I love about air travel. Yet ultimately while flying may not be that much fun as an experience (despite the airlines really doing their best – well most of them anyway), when you’re stuck in isolation, borders shut, with no option to go anywhere other than the couch to watch Netflix.. then it is possible to miss them all, even the actual flying part.
